Reunited And It Feels So Good
The Question
How do you and your mate greet each other after returning from work?Is it like a scene from a Nicholas Sparks movie? Or more like a series of grunts and side glances? Somewhere in between? What if this moment of your day had the power to set a tone of positive connection for the rest of your evening...if only you knew how to tap into its potential.
The Problem
The transition/reunion moment following the work day is one of those linchpin moments where things will either go one of two ways: 1) you'll feel very connected, safe, and welcomed, or 2) you'll be frustrated and feel isolated, with your guard up.
This transition/reunion moment sets the tone for the rest of the evening. And it's easily missed by couples because it seems fairly inconsequential. How you handle this opportunity every day reveals quite a lot, and for whatever reason, it seems to be a missed opportunity for a lot of couples.One reason why the transition time is rough is due to job stress that you have trouble "shaking off" just because you're in your home environment. We will discuss this part next post! (Be on the lookout for Part 2 and feel free to sign up to receive posts sent straight to your inbox.)
The other reason why the transition moment might be rocky for you is because things are tense at home. Maybe you feel like a rockstar at work but you tend to feel like a failure or constant disappointment at home. If you are generally having trouble connecting well with our spouse, this moment is where the negative cycle starts each night. Additionally, communication styles that are effective (and even help you excel) at your job do NOT typically work at home. If you talk to your spouse like you're his/her manager...just go ahead and call me now. ;)
Whatever the reason this transition/reunion isn't working to your advantage, there are a couple of things that you can do to redeem this moment.Every day, you have this opportunity to build up intimacy or build up defenses. Why not do all you can to not let that moment pass idly by you?!
You may be thinking, "Allison...I have no idea what you're talking about. We love "coming home time!" Then congrats...you're doing it right. For everyone else, when you walk in the door, if you're met with grunts, demands, criticisms, or even not acknowledged at all...we've got some work to do!The good news is that this little moment of the day is the perfect, routine opportunity to really insert some positive connection in your relationship. Most people are blind to the importance of this time, so it's not a "high stakes" risk for improvement. It's a great place to start!
The Plan
Just like fake smiles are shown to eventually make you feel a little happier, even a somewhat forced, intentional greeting leads to more warmth and connection between the two of you.Here are some great (and even silly) options for making coming home a special event that helps your defenses go down and increases your relational satisfaction.This is definitely an area where I have to practice what I preach. At our house, we have the challenge (as do a lot of you, particularly shift workers) where every week day goes a little differently. Sometimes I'm home when my husband gets home and we are both staying put for the night. Sometimes we have about 5 minutes together before I leave to go see clients. Others, he'll come home after work and do all the household stuff alone, and I don't see him until almost 9pm. So some days, he is greeting me, and others I am greeting him. So most of these we swap.
Physical contact. Stop what you're doing when he/she walks in. Stand up. Put down the spatula. Smile. And give a big hug and/or a kiss. This is either second nature to people when their spouse/partner returns home or it's a TOTAL stretch and seems so forced and foreign. Stretch yourself here! A good hug really brings down the defenses. It sends the message: you're home....you made it...it's safe here. Pro-tip: Use BOTH ARMS. 20 seconds is actually ideal, based on lots of research. (Sounds long...just go with it; you might end up loving it!) Count in your head if you need to! And if you can possibly manage, give a nice kiss, too. It does NOT MATTER if you feel like it's forced. It's like faking a smile. It always leads to a better mood. Tricking your brain by doing something positive with your body.
There is actually a lot of interesting research on hugging. Check out this article on the physiological and emotional benefits. You'll be surprised!
Cheering. Now, I admit that this is kind of silly. But at our house, we chant: Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! with fists pumping in the air. Most often we try to do this in the driveway, for maximum impact on our returning conquering hero. :) The point here is not necessarily cheering, but feel free to make it a special event anyway you can think of!
Play time.
Hiding. Sometimes we play hide and go seek, and start right before Daddy walks in the door. If he doesn't see us when he walks in the door...that's his cue. It's play time. Play = joy and connection. Just go for it!
Dance party. Actually...Brené Brown has a whole theory on how healthy families with low shame regularly engage in dancing together. Don't roll your eyes at me! Save it for Brené.
Consider your partner's love language.
Some days...if the stars align...I'll have dinner ready. It's just a way of taking good care of my family that I occasionally pull off successfully. When I get home late from work, sometimes I'll have planned dinner for my husband to finish off after he gets home, or sometimes he has made his own thing, or it's leftover city, baby. But if he's home for a while and I come home late, I can always guarantee that he's thought of what I can eat when I get home. It's the best and makes me feel taken care of and supported!
What makes your spouse feel loved and supported? You should try to do that when he/she gets home.
Ask questions. Not too many. Not too fast. But here are some choices:
Rate it: How was your day on a 1-10?
High/low: what was the best/worst part of your day? Then here's the pro-tip: EMPATHIZE when you respond. "Wow! That sounds awesome!" "Oh man...I hate that you have to deal with that."
Do you need anything from me tonight?
What's something we can do together as a family this weekend/next time we're both off?
If kids- Did anything happen with the kids today I need to know about?
Whatever else comes to mind....the sky's the limit! But not too many...not too fast.
If you want to discus this topic or any other related to individual, marital, or family counseling, just contact me here! Appointments available in Baton Rouge, LA and Walker, LA.