Part Two: Bar Graphs

When you’re younger, you believe the adults in your life have it all together. It seems like they have the right answers to everything and you take for granted that their view of life is the truth. Then when you become an adult, you start to notice that not every adult is mature. Sometimes that is even a little disappointing. You think everyone is going to show up as responsible, insightful or wise. But instead, some of these people are surprisingly petty, childish or explosive! What is the deal with grown adults not behaving maturely? 

If a chain is only as strong as its weakest length,
a human is only as mature as his youngest part.

It’s a mistake to see maturity as one set level across all areas of a person’s life.
The assumption is: if you’re an adult, you are mature in every capacity. In reality, maturity makes more sense if you think of it as a bar graph.

Let’s say you know a man who is 45 years old.

• Parts of him are 45. In these parts, he behaves as an age appropriate adult. He pays his taxes, gets to work on time and visits the dentist twice a year.

• Parts of him have always seemed older than he was. Hypermature and rigid. This part is tied to how his dad couldn’t ever be the man of the house, and he wants to in effect, “show his dad how it’s done.”

• Parts of him are 16. The age he was when his sister died and he used drugs for about 10 years. These parts show up sometimes by being impulsive and not anticipating consequences.

• Parts of this same person are 8. That’s the age he was when his parents divorced. These parts are angry and emotionally reactive. His shame is easily triggered in these parts, and he can become rageful, then very regretful.

So within this same man, parts of him are different ages and different levels of maturity. 

What keeps people stuck at younger levels of maturity?

• Traumatic experiences.

• Substance abuse.

• Relational rifts.

• Tragedy.

• Other significant events.

Everyone has parts of immaturity or hypermaturity. Both can be a trauma response.
What’s needed is to look at the different areas of your life and assess which needs to get adjusted. 

Next steps:

1. Questions to ask yourself:

   • When you’re frustrated with someone you’re close to, ask yourself, “what age are they right now?”

     • It may be helpful to adjust your approach accordingly, or wait til another time when they’re able to come to the conversation with their authentic self.

   • When you notice yourself being particularly restless, aggravated, impulsive, overly responsible, etc. (basically when you notice yourself in a big mood), ask yourself, “what age am I acting like right now?

     • Big moods lie to us and tell us things have to be addressed RIGHT NOW. It’s a kindness to provide some time and space for yourself when you aren’t coming from a place of authenticity and groundedness.

2. Start a list on your phone of parts of you that are different ages.

   • In what settings do you notice these parts most?

   • You don’t need to be judgemental about these parts. It’s enough at this stage just to become aware of them.

   • As you become more aware of these differently aged parts, you might discover some areas of you that need extra attention and support. Maybe even extra parenting perhaps? Good news is: you’re just the person for the job! If you need help unpacking any of this, you know where to get it. :)

3. Further reading: No Bad Parts by Richard Schwarts.

Awesome drawing by @art.byisadora.