Dos and Don'ts of Supporting Your Friend Through A Divorce
So your friend is going through a divorce.
That’s so hard!
I am so thankful that you’re here and I know you really desire to support them in the best way possible. They are very blessed to have a friend like you!
It can be hard to know what to do or say when it seems like someone’s life is turned upside down. The temptation can be to do nothing so you don’t do the wrong thing. I get it.
But here’s what’s needed: a willingness to get down and dirty, to crawl into the ashes with your friend.
Regardless of the specifics of someone’s divorce story, experiencing a divorce can be discombobulating in every way: New routines, homes, in-law dynamics, schedule, which side of the bed to sleep on…it’s all up for change. And to process this, they’ll need a myriad of supportive people in their lives. An attorney or mediator, family support, a good therapist, often extra child care or child transportation support, spiritual/pastoral support, and last but never least, the support of a few good friends. This is an “all hands on deck” moment!
So, if your friend or loved one is going through a divorce, how can you be sure you’re giving them the support they need? How can you be a blessing instead of making your friend feel isolated in the midst of all the transition?
I asked a few people I know personally (not professionally)- what was most helpful to them during their divorces? Their responses were so similar that I knew we had to be on the right track!
Let’s look at a few concepts that will help you provide the best support you can during your friend’s difficult season.
Do let them set the emotional tone and support their path.
Divorce is PAINFUL. It’s a death of hopes and dreams and family.
Don’t rush your friend out of their sadness just so you can go back to “business as usual” socially.
They may need more alone time, or they may need more time to intentionally talk about what they’re experiencing. Either way, don’t rush their process. Follow their lead.
Do include them in stuff.
Invite them to hang out one on one.
Invite them to hang out with you and your spouse.
Invite them to hang out when they have their kids.
Invite them too hang out when they don’t have their kids.
Invite them to do all the stuff you’ve always done with them.
Invite them to try new stuff with you.
Invite them on vacation.
If they don’t want to go, that’s ok. Just keep inviting them. It’s always great to be included.
Don’t expect their divorce process to mimic your own or another friend’s experience. Everybody’s experience is different.
Do keep your opinions/advice/platitudes to yourself – Unless asked.
Multiple people mentioned this!
Examples include: “You’re better off!” “Move on!” “You’ll find someone new in no time!” All of that may be true, but it’s probably the type of sentiment best left unsaid.
Don’t give commentary when they share. Just listen and empathize.
This totally sucks! I’m here for you!
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I see how hard it is for you.
Do respect their roller coaster of emotions and the time it takes them to ride it.
No one gets to dictate the person's grief process other than those getting divorced.
Here’s an old blog about what it means to be “riding the roller coaster.”
Divorce with kids is a mirage…you never get to the place where you don’t have to deal with your ex.
Like it or not, your ex is always there. You have to coordinate lives that don’t mesh together anymore.
What happens at your house or your ex’s house will impact you because of the kids.
Future weddings, baptisms, graduations, grandkids. Life goes on and you’ll likely both be in attendance.
Do check on them during holidays.
Holidays are the worst! These are days where nothing goes the way you had always envisioned. If you have your kids, you won’t get them all day. Or you may get them back from your ex at a time when your family has already celebrated. It’s just complicated and heartbreaking.
Make sure your friend has somewhere to go during the holidays (with or without kids).
Help them process before the day, during and after. Check on them often, especially the first round of each holiday.
Do randomly offer to bring dinner or keep the kids.
They’re probably going to say that they don’t need anything, so follow up with- but what is it that you *actually* need?
People don’t want to lean on their support systems too heavily or to “be a burden” so this is where just jumping in and showing up goes a long way.
They won’t remember what you cooked but they’ll remember that you fed them!
Bonus:
Someone asked me the other day, “When is it too soon to start asking my friend if she thinks certain guys are cute?” Haha. I don’t know. That’s funny. Like everything else, ask your friend and follow their lead.
Friend, you’re doing a great job of support just by reading this article! You clearly care. You won’t get it right all the time but keep showing up anyway!
Be present. Be a safe space. Be hope with skin on.